Celebutarded

You might find it hard to believe, but it turns out that Miley Cyrus is not currently dead. She was not hit by a drunk driver and killed.

Apparently somebody uploaded a video to YouTube with a comment that said:

Miley died this morning after being hit by a drunk driver. She always told us if anything ever happened to her then tell her loyal fans first before the public. R.I.P Miley, we’ll never forget you!

But apparently people (I’m guessing pre-teen girls, mostly) will believe almost anything they read on YouTube. Somebody needs to set up an official Miley Cyrus life tracker web site, to give authoritative and up-to-date reports on whether or not Miley Cyrus is dead or not. I know Kibo used to have an indicator for whether or not Bob Hope was still alive; this would be the 10-year-old 21st century version of that.

Go make it happen, people! The kids are waiting, and poorly informed until you make it so!

Has anyone ever heard of Adrienne Bailon before? No? Me either. Why is it that some no-name actress gets racy photos leaked onto the Internet, and all of a sudden gets a rash of publicity from random sites (umm, much like this one.) Can they be any more blatant in their self-promotion? “Oops, look, my breasts fell out all over the Internet! Please don’t look at them! But now I’m famous, put me in movies!”

Although in this case, Adrienne Bailon is supposedly a Disney actress, so maybe it’s a real stolen picture deal. The story they’ve been spreading is that her laptop was stolen at JFK airport, and then the thief called her up and said he’d return the laptop if she paid $1000. She didn’t pay, but the laptop was returned anyway. However, some sexy pictures she had taken for her boyfriend (someone named Rob Kardashian) were missing from the laptop when she got it back, and are now all over the Internet.

So, first things first: no, she’s not hot enough that anyone should care about nude pictures of her.

Second things second: does that story sound like bullshit to anyone else? Why would the thief try to get $1000 from her to return the laptop? How much risk is he putting himself in by establishing a financial trail for police to follow by accepting her money, and then a physical trail by somehow arranging to return the laptop? That seems like way too much risk for a random thief who could just sell the laptop and remain safely anonymous.

Second, why would he erase the pictures from her laptop before spreading them around the Internet? That just seems like someone who didn’t understand computers coming up with a story about “stolen pictures,” and not realizing that he could have copied them without erasing her original copy. Computers, so complicated and magical.

And somehow the press is spinning this as a huge negative for her career, which sounds like crazy talk and completely opposed to how these things usually work out:

Like fellow Disney stars Miley Cyrus and Vanessa Hudgens, Bailon’s image suffered recently when photos of her posing scantily clad broke onto the internet. The photos featured the 25-year-old actress in a bra, exposing her bottom to the camera, a seductive pose that did nothing to uphold the wholesome, family-friendly image her fans held of her.

Seductive? I’ve seen the picture that’s going around, it’s completely meh. Does absolutely nothing for me. Not seductive at all. Sorry, kiddo.

The photos obviously did nothing to help solidify Bailon’s career or her Disney channel image, and she has vowed to pursue legal action against those who leaked the photos to the world wide web. In the meantime, she has offered her apologies to her perplexed and concerned fans.

“Sorry, fans! I should have told you that I have boobs and other naked female body parts under my clothes! I feel horrible for deceiving you all like this!”

Want to look hideous and freaky, like all the hottest celebrities? Don’t want to spend the money for real plastic surgery with real surgical equipment? I don’t blame you! It turns out there’s a convenient way to get the same results at home, as Hang Mioku found out.

She became addicted to plastic surgery, with predictably poor results. But even when the Japanese surgeons started refusing to operate on her, she found a way to keep going.

Following operation after operation, her face was eventually left enlarged and disfigured, but she would still look at herself in the mirror and think she was beautiful.

Eventually the surgeons she visited refused to carry out any more work on her and one suggested that her obsession could be a sign of a psychological disorder.

Really? Only after many operations and extensive disfigurement did one of them suggest that she was crazy? Way to diagnose quickly and accurately, doc! Luckily for us, things don’t stop there.

Amazingly, she found a doctor who was willing to give her silicone injects and, what’s more, he then gave her a syringe and silicone of her own so she could self-inject.

When her supply of silicone ran out Hang resorted to injecting cooking oil into her face.

Hang Mioku, post-cooking oil fun

Finally, someone who can join the Jocelyn Wildenstein and Michael Jackson stratosphere of horrible plastic surgery. You know Jocelyn and Jackson were feeling lonely hanging out there by themselves; imagine how little they have in common to talk about! Now that Hang is with them also — assuming Jackson and Jocelyn hurry up and learn Korean — they should have a much happier (though still freaky) little society there.

At least nobody would make fun of Hang Mioku for injecting her face with cooking oil…

Her face became so grotesquely large that she was called “standing fan” by children in her neighborhood — due to her large face and small body.

Shouldn’t someone be standing guard against dangerous and scary things like this happening?

Earlier this week, Kellyn Lindemann appeared on an episode of
The Girls Next Door” as part of her audition for the 55th edition of Playboy’s centerfold. Lindemann, an Arizona State graduate, was shown topless and she wasn’t shy about it. But maybe that’s because the 29-year-old isn’t new to the Playboy concept. Lindemann’s mom, Bo Black, was featured on the cover of Playboy magazine in September 1967.

If you search around you can find a few pictures of this Kellyn Lindemann. And wow, that’s nothing I want to see naked. Fake boobs (and not even halfway decent fakes) and a face that I wouldn’t want to have to look at very often at all.

I hereby nominate myself as guardian over Playboy. Sent the girls to me first, and I’ll let you know if it’s safe to distribute their naked bodies all over the world, or whether they’re better left unseen.