Celebutarded

Well, crap.

I try not to write the name Britney Spears, because who the hell cares? She’s a mess, and hasn’t had any fans in ten years, and even then it was only a few 12-year-old girls who didn’t understand the first thing about what music is.

But now she has to go and be crazy like this. Last night she wouldn’t return her two kids to Kevin Federline’s bodyguard to take back home, and so the police had to be called. Standoff ensues, and she’s dragged out of her house on a gurney and taken to a hospital for a mental evaluation. It took three hours of standoff, though, before she finally gave up the hostages (her 1-year-old and 2-year-old) and they took her in. She’s reported as being under the influence of “unknown substances.” Or not?

Police initially said it appeared that Spears was under the influence of an unknown substance but Harding said Friday she could not confirm that or other reports that Spears was hospitalized for mental evaluation.

Her sister, fresh from her canceled TV show due to pregnancy, shows up by her side to support her. Her mother, Lynne Spears — wait, WTF? Her mom’s name is Lynne, and she named one of her daughters Jamie Lynn? What kind of egomaniacal thing to do is that??? — says to just pray for Britney.

Yeah, ok, sure, whatever. I pray that she stays crazy, because anything else would be a sad disappointment at this point. What’s she done lately? CNN helps us out with that thrilling summary:

Spears’ life has spiraled downward during the past year. She has been photographed without underwear and appeared to be drunk and out-of-control in public. She shaved her head, beat a car with an umbrella, spent a month in rehab and has had a handful of fender benders, including one in which she ran over a photographer’s foot.

Anyone see an Anna Nicole Smith ending coming here?

Not to get too personal here, but what’s wrong with Britney and Jamie Lynn’s mother that her two kids both turned out so messed up? Does anyone know anything about her? Is she crazy or something? That seems to be the answer to the whole Britney Spears puzzle, if you ask me.

And now Britney has two kids herself, and her sister will have one soon also? The cycle continues…

Moviefone’s end-of-year worst actor and actress awards are out, apparently based on user votes. You’d think they’d suck at that rate, but they don’t seem too bad. Worst actor is Eddie Murphey for that steaming pile of Norbit. Rounding out the top 5 worst performances of the year are a few big stars (Robin Williams and Dustin Hoffman), a good actor in a different medium (Jeremy Piven) and someone we’ve never heard of (Rodrigo Santoro.)

For worst performance by an actress, I don’t think anybody is too surprised to see Lindsay Lohan at the top of the list. Personally, I didn’t realize that she was in a movie this year, but apparently she was in one called “I Know Who Killed Me,” playing a stripper. No, wait, someone who gets an alternate personality as a stripper after getting a few limbs removed. A stripper who never gets naked, of course.

The most positive review I could fine of the film was from a random person on IMDB, who wrote

So after seeing I Know Who Killed Me, I just was thinking of how much of a strange movie this was, but at the same time I didn’t think it was all that bad, there were some things left unexplained and the ending was pretty lame, but I think over all, this was a thriller with good potential and just needed a little pick-me-up.

I liked it personally, there were things that were confusing, but over all I think the plot kept me guessing and going. Lindsay I would say did a good job, but the strip scenes at times were a little too much, just because we all know her personal life, so I think it would make us a little uncomfortable. There are some flaws to the film, but I wouldn’t say to stay away, just keep your mind open and you might find yourself liking it.

Since that person is the only one who liked it, that’s some terrible advice.

Finishing out the top five worst actresses were John Travolta (you know, ’cause of Hairspray, ha ha ha, roll eyes), Jessica Alba, Halley Berry, and Mandy Moore.

I’m already wanting to stab my eyes out just reading about some of these crappy movies. Don’t make me do this again.

Ever heard of Valerie Begue? No? Me either.

Apparently she’s Miss France 2008, but was in danger of losing the title after some pictures showed up in a gossip magazine. Now I know what you’re thinking, didn’t we do this a while back with Vanessa Williams, and aren’t the French just copying us?

No, this is weirder. She not naked or anything, the photos are just kind of weird. Not even sexy, just weird. One has her floating in a pool (wearing a bikini) on a cross, and one shows her licking up evaporated milk (with an expression on her face like she thinks licking up evaporated milk is the sexiest thing she could possibly be doing.)

And since the beauty pageant rules said that contestants must “never have posed or exhibited (themselves) in dubious outfits or poses, partially or totally nude,” people were trying to get her decrowned. Personally, I’m guessing these were religious nuts who didn’t like the cross rather than people afraid of nudity. You’d think this was some American flyover state religious freak for that, rather than France. Who knew?

Turns out Valerie Begue will get to keep her crown. However, she won’t be competing in Miss World or Miss Universe. Wait, what? There’s a Miss World and a separate Miss Universe contest? Seriously? What the hell’s the difference? Are there really Martians that show up for Miss Universe, and we sent the winner of Miss World to compete against them?

This whole beauty pageant thing is so crazy, it’s funny.

The ghost of Frank Sinatra has been raiding Jude Law’s hotel mini-bar down in Cuba. Poor Jude Law. Or is it lucky Jude Law? Is he a Sinatra fan? If so, isn’t this good news? Wouldn’t most Sinatra fans love to have his ghost show up to drink their rum and croon a few drunken songs?

Of course, Jude reports that he was pretty drunk at the time. But the hotel says that Sinatra has stayed in that very same room, so that changes it from drunken hallucination to actual real-life ghost infestation:

The ‘Sleuth’ star was left “shocked” after he reportedly saw a vision of the late Rat Pack singer raiding his hotel mini-bar after celebrating his 35th birthday at Havana’s Hotel Nacional de Cuba on Saturday.

A source at the hotel said: “Jude had no idea that Frank used to stay in the same room. You could see he was really spooked by his sighting. He’d sampled lots of the hotels rum cocktails to celebrate his birthday so he thought it was just a drunken vision. But when we told him of the situation, he came clean about seeing the ghost.

“He swore he saw Frank crouched at the mini-bar, rummaging through the bottles and snacks.”

The source added to Britain’s Daily Star newspaper: “Poor old Jude was relieved when we finally put him in a different room, although we didn’t dare tell him that Winston Churchill used to stay in it, just in case.

“We didn’t want Jude to worry about the former British Prime Minister stealing his cigars!”

There’s a movie script in there somewhere, if it wasn’t for the writer’s strike. Ghosts of Frank Sinatra and Winston Churchill follow Jude Law around, throwing pebbles and paper airplanes at him until he stops drinking and takes up knitting.